7/6/17

The hurt does not go away. I choose to not engage on a daily basis. It is a choice, sometimes it means that I am just pretending that it doesn't bother me. All of the lies, the hurt, the betrayal is buried down deep in my heart. Then when I am not looking something triggers and it all comes flooding back. I keep thinking that the indifference that I have been feeling in the recent past is worse than the pain of betrayal, worse than feeling. Now I am not so sure. How could you? How can you?

3/1/2017

The greatest lesson I hope to learn is to let go of things that are not meant for me. I hope to let go of the urgency to make change and decisions. I refuse to be rushed, I refuse to be manipulated or let guilt guide my choices. I can only trust proof, and proof takes time.

12/24/2016

Family doesn't always look like what you thought. It isn't always blood. It isn't always people you choose. Sometimes it is about a person that you are tied to. It isn't always sunshine and rainbows. It isn't always about people that you love to spend time with. Sometimes it is about making the best of a sad situation. Sometimes it is about loving from a distance when the close up kind of love hurts too much. It is about making time for a person that makes you feel like shit. It is about doing everything you can to try to do the right thing, regardless of what other people may think. It is about making decisions that will allow you to sleep at night. There will always be regrets but one side will be easier to explain when the time comes. Family is not always what it looks like.

12/16/2016

None of this is real. We may have a good time, get along great. I may seem that we have come together for our child. It may seem like we have the same goal, that maybe, someday things could get better. Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I get wrapped up in it all, in the family moments. Sometimes I even think that you still love me, that you respect me, that you want me. But, none of this is real. There is always something going on behind the scenes. There is always someone lingering in the background. There is always another member of the relationship that effects everything that happens. Maybe that shouldn't matter now. Maybe it doesn't......but it did. It was all a lie and until there is truth and only truth there is nowhere to build.

8/16/16

7/14/2016

I hate seeing you sad. It doesn't erase any of the terrible things that you have done or said to me but I feel it. I feel like I want to make you better, I feel like I want to relieve your pain. The thought crosses my mind to just lay down my arms and give in to what you want. What if I did? What if I forgave you?

11/29/15

I was a mess. I was tired.......tired of loss, tired of fighting. Fighting for myself, for my right to be. I was tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was tired of trying to make things work.....with everyone. I had lost so much and so many. One person was taken from me, some walked away and others I pushed. I was scared to death of being close to anyone, of feeling anything. What was the point? Everyone leaves anyway, in one way or another. So, I traveled down the road of self destruction. I masked my fear with alcohol, a lot of alcohol. I hid behind my sea of booze so that I didn't have to face it alone. Beer was my companion, and whisky was my bff. Until the day that a little + sign changed my path. It wasn't all at once. The news put a fork in my road and I choose the path of light. I choose to veer from my path of darkness to a path unknown. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, that is for sure. What is has been is a path of discovery. It has shown me what I am made of. This is a path of purpose, of self discovery and of hard work. I no longer cling to vices that were set to destroy me. I live now. I live for a little person that I love more than I ever thought I could ever love. I am a warrior. I am a mother. Just by existing he has saved my life. He saves my life every single day. With every single smile, with every single cry I am made more whole.