11/29/15

I was a mess. I was tired.......tired of loss, tired of fighting. Fighting for myself, for my right to be. I was tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was tired of trying to make things work.....with everyone. I had lost so much and so many. One person was taken from me, some walked away and others I pushed. I was scared to death of being close to anyone, of feeling anything. What was the point? Everyone leaves anyway, in one way or another. So, I traveled down the road of self destruction. I masked my fear with alcohol, a lot of alcohol. I hid behind my sea of booze so that I didn't have to face it alone. Beer was my companion, and whisky was my bff. Until the day that a little + sign changed my path. It wasn't all at once. The news put a fork in my road and I choose the path of light. I choose to veer from my path of darkness to a path unknown. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, that is for sure. What is has been is a path of discovery. It has shown me what I am made of. This is a path of purpose, of self discovery and of hard work. I no longer cling to vices that were set to destroy me. I live now. I live for a little person that I love more than I ever thought I could ever love. I am a warrior. I am a mother. Just by existing he has saved my life. He saves my life every single day. With every single smile, with every single cry I am made more whole.

9/5/15 waiting and wanting

I have begun to reach my limit. I find myself sitting with loathing with every moment that I am forced care about what is being said. All the while I am listening to nonsense I am screaming out in my head that I know I deserve better. I want better from you....I know that you know that and that you can. You are so wrapped up in what you are doing that nothing can get in. I can't operate at my best when I am always in defense mode...survival mode. I am trying to preserve the little bit of me that is still left. I deserve to be the center of it all right now. I am carrying a child. I never thought it would be easy or fun all the time......but it is magical and wondrous. I am special and my experience unique. Never in my life did I think I would be made to feel like this by someone whose child I am carrying. I know, somehow, that this is not all wrong....that this child will be the light of my life and I will never be sorry. I only hope that I can get it together to be the woman, the mom the rock and the example for my son. I want to show my son what a strong woman looks like. What it means to live with a strong will and a soft heart. I look forward to what he will do for my life......for my heart. Feeling him grow in me has filled me with such anticipation. I spend most of my days feeling like I am not good enough, that I am always expected to be something that I am not. He knows me already from the inside. I look forward to just being....and loving him as he is, watching him grow and feeling the new love that I will bring into my own life.

8/25/2015
All of a sudden the sea of rage parted and I saw my life without him. Out of fear or longing, I can't be sure which, I changed my mind and asked him to stay.